


Heartless

by AltruisticSkittles



Series: The First Illuminated [3]
Category: Thomas Sanders
Genre: Emotional Abuse, F/M, Minor Injuries, Self Depreciating Thoughts, Toxic Relationships, cursing but it's only two words, heck this one was hard to write, implied rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 10:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14767853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AltruisticSkittles/pseuds/AltruisticSkittles
Summary: Everyone deserved love. That was one of Patton’s personal morals. However, a gray area arises and will make him question just how far he’s willing to go for someone.The last thing he wanted to do was be heartless.





	Heartless

**Author's Note:**

> IF. YOU. ARE. TRIGGERED. BY. ABUSIVE. OR. TOXIC. RELATIONSHIPS. PLEASE. HEED. THE. WARNINGS!!!!
> 
> Seriously guys, like 3/4 of this is emotional abuse. It was pretty painful to write, but I got through it.
> 
> My poor baby, Patton, I’m so sorry.
> 
> Anyway, uh… enjoy I guess… :D

Did you ever have so much love you had no idea where to go with it all?

That was Patton’s biggest problem ever since he could remember.

From the day his Mom brought him into this world, she said he gave her endless love and joy. He barely cried. He barely whined. The only time he made his presence known was when he filled the house with his beautiful bellyful laughter.

Every afternoon, the trio relaxed in the park. His Ma worried Patton would get lost chasing after the animals, since Patton had the attention span of a puppy, but Mom would smile and shake her head, reminding her that Patton had to make his own mistakes.

She just didn’t plan on that mistake being Patton running into a lake with a small boy around his age.

By the time they fished them out of the water, the four were soaking wet and covered in algae. The boy didn’t seem to mind two strange women taking him by the hand and asking all over the park for his family. Turns out his babysitter, who was flirting with a group of girls at the time, was supposed to be watching him. They apologized profusely. However, the two women could not let it go, and they demanded to talk to the child’s parents.

They would’ve felt heartless leaving Remy with such an irresponsible adult.

Remy’s parents were both annoyed and relieved that their child was brought home safely. They mentioned it was nice to see Remy playing with kids his age. He usually didn’t get many, because of the fausmark on his eyes. Remy didn’t mind, and neither did the kids. It was the kid’s parents that minded.

Patton and Remy stayed fast friends through preschool, catching frogs, saving ants from puddles, and digging up worms in the play yard. Remy usually had a nose for trouble, and Patton would keep him out of it to the best of his ability. Likewise, Remy would stand up for Patton when kids tried to be mean to him. Usually it ended up with Remy on top of the other kid. Many hours were spent with Remy on the fence covered in dirt.

Patton tried to explain to the teachers the other kids were being mean, but they always retorted that Remy should not be hitting them. Had he known what prejudice was, he would’ve known why they hated Remy so much.

He couldn’t understand how they could be so heartless.

Patton usually sat on the swings and waited for Remy’s timeout to end, and then they’d begin playing again like nothing happened. Patton didn’t care what the teachers said. He was happy he had someone like Remy watching out for him.

“You and me,” Remy said as they build their mudcastle, “we’re gonna be best friends forever.”

“Pinky promise,” Patton replied and held out his finger. The two of them shook, forming a bond more inseparable than a soulbond.

Their friendship continued all through elementary school. Remy started wearing sunglasses everywhere. His fausmark and soulmark attracted too many annoying repetitive questions, so it was better to ignore it than repeating himself. He got his soulmark 3 years before Patton. Both were on their chest, confirming their destiny to always be there for each other.

The two of them stayed to themselves mostly. Anyone who came into their circle usually left them alone after a while.

At least they did, until Mara came into their lives.

Remy’s heart should’ve soared seeing Patton’s soulmark glow. He should’ve been happy to see his best friend find his soulmate. He would’ve if he saw Mara’s soulmark glow too.

Patton had found a soulmate, but it was unrequited.

Remy would never forget watching Patton’s zeal turn into heartbreak. He tried to get Patton’s mind off of it with cookies, skipping rocks at the park, and even set a day aside for them to binge Netflix under a blanket fort all day. However, nothing shook Patton’s heartbreak.

Remy would be heartless by the time Patton finished breaking it.

Apparently it broke Mara’s heart too, because after she decided she didn’t feel anything, she started hanging around them. He knew it was pity. Patton was too good of a person for people to not feel pity breaking his heart.

For a while, Patton’s mood started to turn around.

She started out slow, joining them as they walked to classes together. Patton found out she liked the color pink, and that was what color she hoped her soulmark would glow. She liked dogs, and she wanted a Cocker Spaniel when she grew up.

Mara mentioned she always stood in her sister’s shadow. No matter what she did, it was never good enough. Her twin sister always beat her at everything, and she felt neglected by her family, like a mistake. She was a mistake, and she made sure Patton knew she was a mistake. That’s why she rejected him. She couldn’t take him leaving her too.

Patton ate it up like ice cream sandwiches.

Mara warmed up to Patton quiet fast, keeping him at her side at all times. She even started draping herself around his soulmark arm and resting her head on his shoulder. Remy couldn’t help but notice each time, she pulled Patton a little closer. A little tighter. A little farther from him.

Patton didn’t seem to mind, however.

“I don’t know. I’m happy you’re happy, but I’m getting some nasty vibes from her,” Remy mentioned over hot chocolate in his basement.

Patton raised a brow. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, like,” Remy ran a hand through his hair, “she keeps… yeet-”

“Rem, are you,” Patton swallowed and looked over his mug, “jealous?”

“What?” Remy scoffed. “Patton, babe, please! I couldn’t care less who your soulmate is. Like, it doesn’t bother me at all. But I… I don’t know man. I just don’t like her.”

Patton leaned over and left a short kiss on Remy’s forehead. “I’m not going to stop being friends with you because of Mara, kiddo. You’re still my best friend.”

Crying? Why was Remy crying? He wiped his tears away with his fingers and sighed.

“I know, but like-” he sighed hard. “You know what? Nevermind. Just… let’s watch the movie and forget about it, m’kay?”

Patton begrudgingly allowed the two of them to watch the movie in silence. He could sense Remy’s stiff arua against his. Remy’s shoulders sat unnaturally tense. He’d forget to stare at the movie every once and a while and stared at the wall instead.

When they got to middle school, Remy pulled even farther away. Patton didn’t know what he did wrong. Remy would still smile, speak when spoken to, and say hello when passing in the hallway. But the warm touches were gone along with his presence.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into him,” Patton told Mara. He hugged his arms to try and rub warmth into them. “Did I… did I do something wrong? He keeps saying no, but… Remy isn’t one to keep his feelings hidden. I don’t understand.”

Mara hummed as she thought. “You think he could be jealous?”

“Of me?”

“No, of…” Mara looked away. Patton guided her head back towards him, his fingers coming back wet with her tears, “of me?”

Patton remembered Remy’s words. He sucked in a breath.

“Would you leave me for Remy?” Mara asked, her voice breaking. “I-I know what he means to you, and I’d hate to come between you two. I’m not worth it.”

Patton cupped both her cheeks in his hands. “Mara, now you listen to me. I love you, and I love being with you. Remy… I love him like a brother, and I… I wouldn’t leave you for him, trust me.”

“Promise?” she asked.

Patton almost stuck out his pinky for her to shake. He put his forehead against hers and kissed her nose. “I promise.”

He’d be heartless to leave someone who needed him so much.

Besides, Remy would be okay… right?

Middle school faded into High School, and Patton and Mara were celebrating their 4 year anniversary. Patton got her a cake with her name on it. She loved white roses and chocolate cake. He knew she’d love it.

But he didn’t know she was on a diet. He spent an hour trying to get her to stop crying.

“I told you last week I was going on a diet. I’m too fat and ugly,” she cried.

“Mara, firefly, please,” Patton said as he held her in his arms. “I’m sorry. I honestly forgot, and you’re not ugly and fat. Please don’t talk about yourself like that.”

Stupid, stupid, stupid! How could he make her cry like that. How could he hurt her like this?

How could he be so heartless?

He kissed the tears away on her cheek. “I’ll make it up to you. We can spend the night in the park.”

“But there’s so many food vendors in the park,” Mara whined.

“It’s okay. I don’t have to eat anything while we’re there. I’ll even diet with you. We can both go out for a salad afterward.”

“Promise?” she asked as she looked up at him.

He smiled. “I do.”

For a month, all Patton did was try to support Mara. The two of them would eat salads together at a small restaurant in town. For a while, it seemed to make Mara happy. She smiled more around Patton. Her gentle touches returned, and he felt pure bliss with her.

Then the summer came.

“You haven’t been keeping up with the diet, have you?” Mara asked. She poked the small pouch of fat on Patton’s stomach. It would’ve tickled had it not felt so dirty.

“I am,” he replied.

Mara turned away from him, her nose curled in disgust. “I bet you’re lying. I bet you go home and eat cookies every night when I’m not looking.”

Patton recoiled. Okay, so there was a cookie every night with his name on it, but it wasn’t like a cookie would make him fat… right?

“I’m sorry,” he replied and swallowed hard. “I won’t eat anymore. I didn’t think-”

“You didn’t think is right,” Mara moaned. She ran a hand through her hair. “You didn’t think it’d hurt me, but it does, Patton. They support each other. I need you to support me. That is what couples do, isn’t it?”

“Of course,” Patton replied. Mara sighed and hugged him, nuzzling her head under his chin.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight,” she spoke. “I hate fighting with you. Can you please, just, lay off the sweets? For me?”

“I will-”

“Promise?”

Patton swallowed thickly. “I promise.”

That night, Patton rolled around in his bed, unable to get to sleep. He kept replaying Mara’s words in his head. In a way, he couldn’t help but feel angry. He bent over backwards, cutting out his pizza trips with Remy, throwing away bottles of his favorite soda, and even limiting himself to one cookie every night. What had she done in return for him?

No, what kind of selfish thought was that? Mara needed him. It was his job to support her, and if that meant changing a little, he should.

Right?

Patton turned onhis phone and blinked. He opened the last message he sent Remy a week ago which cancelled their last trip (and the week before that) and felt a pain in his stomach. They used to text until 3 in the morning. What happened?

Patton typed on the blue keyboard in front of him.

Me:  
Hey, I can’t sleep. Can we talk? :’(

He watched the blue bubble pop up as he hit send and waited. Maybe Remy was asleep? He laughed at the thought. Remy didn’t sleep much before 4 am, and it was still only 1 or so.

His phone lit up.

Sleep is for the WEAK:  
Sry to hear that man

He waited for another message, but after five minutes, he decided to add to the conversation.

Me:  
You okay? :o

Another three minutes.

Sleep is for the WEAK:  
Yea

Patton started to write again, but Remy interrupted him.

Sleep is for the WEAK:  
Going to sleep deuces ;) ;) ;)

Patton squeezed his phone in his hand and felt his heart ache. He knew it was a lie. He knew Remy was avoiding him. How could he blame him? He practically pushed Remy out of his life for Mara. He had to feel betrayed. Still, he didn’t stay anything.

But Patton was his best friend. He should’ve known.

For three years, Patton endured Mara’s demands alone. Her diet turned into walking every morning together at the crack of dawn. Her walk every morning turned into only eating with her. That snowballed into her monitoring his phone on their dates, making sure he wasn’t talking behind her back, making sure he was listening to her.

“If you so much as say one bad word about me to that ass of a friend of yours,” Mara always threatened.

“I’ve never said a bad word about you,” Patton replied.

“But I know you hate me,” she replied. “You have to. I make you do all these things you don’t want to do. You should just break up with me already.”

Honestly, Patton considered it once or twice.

But Mara needed him.

He’d hold her in his arms and swallow the guilt in his chest. He’d ignore the texts Remy sent to him and the worry growing between the both of them. When was the last time Patton had fun? He only had Mara. Just Mara. That should’ve been enough.

Right?

On his 18th birthday, Mara surprised him with a cake. Patton forgot what chocolate tastes like. She even made it herself.

“It’s for all the hard work you’ve done for me,” she replied. “You deserve a little special treat.”

Patton held her so close he thought they’d both break.

“Thank you,” he whispered into her ear. “It’s perfect.”

Mara ran her finger along his glowing soulmark. “You think… you could do something special for me too?”

Patton’s stomach dropped. Of course Mara wouldn’t just give him something without expecting something else.

“What is it?” he asked, pulling away to look in her eyes.

“Well,” her lips pulled into a grin, “we’ve been together for almost 7 years now, right? Don’t you think it was time we did something… memorable?”

“Like going on a dinner date?” Patton asked. Oh man, he hoped it was to the pizza place down the road, but he was sure she wouldn’t go for it.

Judging by the roll of her eyes, he was right.

“No, dummy. I want something a restaurant menu can’t provide.” She brought Patton’s lips down to touch her own. He savored the taste of her cherry chapstick. “I’d rather be tasting you.”

“I’m okay with some cuddles and kisses. There’s some good romance movies on Netflix. We could watch one while-”

Mara pushed Patton backwards onto the couch. He blinked up owlishly as she straddled his waist and caressed his cheeks in her hands.

“Your so stupid. I want you to take me. You know, like my virginity. I’m giving it to you,” she purred as she brought in her lips to kiss him. Patton forgot to kiss back. Mara sensed his discomfort and pulled away. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just-” Patton looked away.

Mara’s lips drew into a deep frown. “You just what, Patton?”

He flinched with the way she hissed his name. His stomach felt heavy, and it wasn’t because Mara put her full weight on it.

“Nothing-”

“Don’t lie to me, Patton.” She furrowed her brow. “I thought you said we wouldn’t lie to each other?”

Patton’s eyes welled up with tears. He looked up at her and tried to blink them away.

“I just… I don’t know if I’m ready,” Patton replied.

Mara ran a hand through her hair. “It’s me, isn’t it? I’m not good enough for you.”

“I didn’t say that-”

“Then why not?” She brought both her hands down hard on his chest. “What’s wrong? If you really loved me, you’d do this for me.”

“Mara, please-”

“Hasn’t our time together meant anything to you? Have you just been leading me on this whole time? Taking on a poor, defenseless girl who needed love? Is that your goal? You’re disgusting. I thought you weren’t like men who pray on women.”

“I-”

“How could you be so heartless?”

“Okay!” The dam on Patton’s eyes broke. “I’m sorry, okay. I… if it’ll make you happy.”

“No, my mood is ruined now.”

“Mara, I’m sorry. I do love you. I… I want to show you. I-” His voice cracked, “please believe me.”

Mara sighed and rubbed the tears away on Patton’s cheeks. “Shush, it’s okay. I forgive you, Patton. Don’t cry. It makes me feel worse.”

“I’m sorry.”

A pause.

“You really do love me, don’t you, Patton?”

“Yes.”

“Promise?”

The sting in his stomach almost answered for him. “I promise.”

That night felt like anything but love. It felt disgusting, violate, and hateful.

The next day, Patton laid in his bed. He couldn’t sleep. He threw up anything he ate. His moms were worried sick, but he assured them he was okay.

At least he was okay, until he woke up the next morning and looked the mirror. Patton’s stomach dropped. He traced his once beautiful silver swirls on his chest and retracted them like they burned him. What happened?

Why did his soulmark turn black?

Patton wore a turtleneck, despite it being a hot Spring day, and said goodbye to his mothers before they could comment on his strange wardrobe. He felt trapped and overheated, but he wouldn’t let anyone see.

Remy stood next to him at the bus stop, his usual cold shoulder still feeling foreign after all these years. Remy double glanced over his sunglasses as Patton stood next to him, a snuff escaping his nose.

“Forget how to dress?” he scoffed. Patton shifted uncomfortably and drew his shoulder straps tighter, as if his backpack could hug his discomfort away.

Remy sighed and noticed Patton shrink away. Against better judgement, Remy continued.

“You know, I really still wanted to be your friend, Pat, but I guess promises don’t mean much to you anymore.”

That word choked Patton. He doubled in on himself, his body succumbing to trembles. Before he knew it, he was on his hands and knees. Remy was at his side, his hands on Patton’s shoulders. He sounded concerned. Patton couldn’t make out anything past that word.

Promises.

What did he know about promises?

Remy brought Patton close to his chest, cradling him between his legs and running a hand through his hair, just like he knew Patton loved. He kept shushing him, trying to blow his discomfort away. Patton felt Remy’s head rest on his shoulders.

“Pat, whatever’s wrong, you know you can tell me. I’m sorry. I should’ve- I didn’t know- Are you okay?”

For five minutes, all Patton could say was “I’m sorry.”

Remy took Patton back to his house down the street. He wrapped him in a blanket and put as many stuffed animals around him as he could find, even if he had to blow dust off quite a few. His parents wouldn’t mind if he skipped. For an hour, he let Patton cuddle into his blankets. The smell must’ve called him, because the shaking stopped. However, he was still sweating. Maybe he was sick?

Remy folded his sunglasses and set them on the counter, missing the way he could be himself around Patton.

“You think we should take that turtleneck off?” Remy asked. Patton shook his head furiously and buried his head into the blankets.

“Pat, you’re like, 100 degrees. Time to yeet the sweater.”

“No.”

“Come on,” Remy rolled his eyes and flopped onto his face. He mumbled into the covers, “Stubborn asshole.”

That brought a shift of Patton’s blankets.

“Laguage.”

“What’s that? Couldn’t fucking hear ya pops.”

Patton threw a pillow at Remy. The corners of his mouths were strained into a frown, but Remy knew he could bring that stifled smile out. He kept cursing, and Patton kept swinging pillows at him. Remy picked up the first pillow and started swinging back.

Feathers and giggles flew everywhere.

Out of breath, Remy flopped onto his back. One more blow to the stomach, and Remy let out a light “ooph.” Patton’s eyes were glowing with happiness and tears. His chest heaved under that too tight turtleneck, and sweat lined his forehead.

“You ready to tell me yet?”

The smile disappeared on Patton’s face. He sunk to his knees and dropped the pillow, ready to retreat into his blankets once again.

“No, no, you’re not allowed,” Remy grumbled as he pulled all the blankets up into a ball in his lap. “We’re talking this out. What’s eating you?”

Patton blew through his nose. “I… I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“I promised.”

The word hit harder than anything Patton could throw at him. “Pat, you can tell me anything. I’m here for you.” He paused. “But I haven’t been there for you for a while, and I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Patton replied. “I pushed you away. I just didn’t want her to use you against me anymore and-”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down there buttercup,” Remy held his hands up. “Who was using me against you?”

Patton twisted the turtleneck in his hands. Remy’s stomach flared up.

“It’s Mara, isn’t it?”

Patton’s silence confirmed his answer. He ran a hand through dyed purple hair and growled under his breath.

“How long?”

Patton whined. “I can’t remember. It was fine, but I don’t know what happened. The first few years were great. I loved her. But then… then she started to change, and I-” his words caught. He swallowed hard. “I couldn’t say no.”

Remy clenched his teeth. Here Patton was being hurt, and he couldn’t get his head far enough out of his ass to care.

“I’ll kill her,” Remy growled and swung his legs off the bed. Patton reached out for him, trying to get Remy to wait, but he wasn’t listening. Finally, he grabbed onto Remy’s wrist and held him in the doorway.

“Please don’t,” Patton whispered. “She’ll know I was talking behind her back, and I can’t disappoint her again.”

“Disappoint her?” Remy threw his hands up. “What has she ever done for you, Pat? Tell me one time she went out of her way for you, and I’ll let it slide.”

“She bought me a cake for my birthday,” Patton replied.

“Whoop-de-do,” Remy twirled his finger sarcastically. “And what did you have to do to get that, huh?”

Patton’s throat burned. That night came rushing back to him, and he nearly threw himself into another panic attack. Remy softened upon his distress, and he carried Patton back to the bed.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve been more careful,” Remy let out a dry laugh. “I’m a pretty pathetic excuse for a best friend, huh?”

The rest of the day, Patton stayed in Remy’s arms. They didn’t speak of Mara or the incident, instead choosing to bury themselves in some of their favorite films. Patton called up his Ma and let her know he was staying at Remy’s house, much to her delight. She was thankful they were friends again.

Honestly, so was he.

That night, as Remy loaned Patton an extra set of pajamas, Patton showed Remy his soulmark. He expected Remy to be disgusted, but he looked so hurt. Patton told him everything. The name calling, the forced diet, the… unwanted advances. Each time, he expected Remy to turn away from him, but his eyes held understanding and pain.

“That heartless thot has no right.”

“Remy please-”

“No,” he clenched his teeth. “I’m getting you away from her. We’re getting out of here, the day after graduation. We’re going to start that pet sanctuary we always wanted to start, and we’re going to leave her in this hell where she belongs.” He stopped and looked Patton in the eye. “But only if you want to. It’s your choice, Patton. What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know,” he replied.

“S’okay. You think about it. We’ll put a pin in it for now.” Remy poked Patton’s forehead and made a pop sound with his lips. Patton giggled and shuffled down into the blankets. Remy lay beside him. Patton sighed and clutched the extra pillow to his chest.

“Hey, Rem?” He heard Remy’s hum of attention. “You think you could- ah- I kind of- would it be okay if we… you know, like old times-”

“I got’cha,” Remy said and rolled over, cradling Patton close to his stomach. The familiar press of Remy’s chest against his back eased Patton’s worry. Remy’s hug felt like home. He settled down, and for the first time in almost a year, he slept peacefully through the night.

Too bad he had to wake up and go to school.

Remy held him close all day, a protective arm over his shoulder.

Patton hoped Mara wouldn’t find him. He couldn’t stand the idea of her hurting Remy.

But it should’ve been the other way around.

Patton pulled Remy off Mara after he landed two blows to her cheek. She cried and screamed that he did it unprovoked. The three of them were sent to the principal’s office, Mara giving her sob story of how Remy jumped her for no reason. Patton knew better. Remy was given two week’s suspension, and Patton’s stomach dropped. The thought of Remy being separated from him distressed him beyond measure.

Mara flipped her hair as she walked out, and Remy flipped her the bird.

Patton suddenly felt sick. He walked with Remy as he was escorted to the front doors.

“You’ll be okay,” Remy said and pressed his forehead to Patton’s. “You’re strong, Pat, the strongest person I know. You got this.”

“But-”

“Hey, none of that, m’kay. You’re golden.” He sent one last wink before leaving the school grounds. Patton’s courage left with him.

Of course Mara was waiting for him when he got back inside. Of course she looked like Patton was gum under her shoe. Of course she’d end up screaming at him in the halls about how he didn’t care about her, about how he let Remy hit her, about how Patton should’ve stopped him.

“I don’t want you to ever talk to that heathen again,” Mara hissed. “And if I ever catch you talking to him again-”

“You’ll what?” Patton snapped. His stomach dropped as Mara’s face went from shocked to aggravated.

“Patton, you better not talk to him ever again. I swear, I’ll break up with you if you do.”

“Then do it,” he shot back. He hugged his arms close to him. Mara’s anger melted into surprise, and she put her hands on her hips.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me,” Patton replied. Mara stood close, her nose almost touching his. She sucked in a breath before exhaling.

“Look, you’re obviously upset, so I’m gonna let this slide. But tomorrow, you better not let this happen again, got it?”

Patton stared back, his eyes cold as the blood in his veins.

“Promise me, Patton.”

His silence brought her hand to his wrist, pulling him close. He felt her nails dig into his skin and hissed out a breath.

“Promise me!”

Patton continued to stare, his throat too lumped to speak. Mara shoved him backwards and stormed down the hall. Patton heard people whispering as he went to his first class of the day. He felt like he’d fall apart at the seams. At this point, he didn’t even know how he was walking. Was it possible to feel every emotion at once? It must be. How else would he describe how heavy he felt?

Patton wished he was heartless so he couldn’t feel anything anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> For more on the Illuminated universe, check out my Tumblr @altruistic-skittles


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